Managing Your Tone with Relational Awareness

While being confident in your communication helps set the right tone in your exchanges, exercising strategic deference is equally as important. In any exchange, you will likely have to balance asserting yourself and deferring to your boss, instructor, or team members.

Being assertive in your messages sets a confident tone, and confidence creates an impression of credibility that might make your audience more receptive to you. For instance, if you pitch an idea to your team or your boss, and you lay out a plan, declaring your confidence and reasoning every step of the way, your audience will likely perceive you as being knowledgeable about your plan. If your audience believes that you are knowledgeable about your plan, they are more likely to trust you to fulfill on your idea. 

The tragedy of the Essex, an American whaling ship, illustrates how important it can be to assert yourself. In 1821, a sperm whale attacked and sank the ship, leaving the crew stranded. The captain, George Pollard Jr., and the first mate, Owen Chase, disagreed about what to do next; the captain wanted to sail for the Society Islands, which were nearer, but, having heard rumors about the Society Islands, Chase insisted on sailing for South America.  

In his retelling of the tragedy in In the Heart of the Sea, Nathaniel Philbrick explains that “Pollard had known better, but instead of pulling rank and insisting that his officers carry out his proposal to sail for the Society Islands, he embraced a more democratic style of command” (100). Pollard’s decision to defer when he should have remained faithful to his initial assertion eventually resulted in the deaths of most of the crew members. While this is a dramatic example, it does illustrate how important it is to adopt a tone that will facilitate ideal outcomes.

At times you will find it better to defer to the person with whom you are communicating. You might defer when you are wrong, but you might also defer when you’re unsure, seeking wisdom, or wanting to preserve relationships.  

For instance, consider a situation in which a colleague feels very strongly how to proceed with a project the two of you are working on. Overall, you really respect your colleague, but you happen to have conflicting opinions about how the project should proceed. You evaluate the situation, and while you still believe your ideas are better, you know your colleague’s ideas will work, too. In this case, you might defer to your colleague in order to preserve the relationship between the two of you, which, in the long run, will have a significant impact on the success of your joint project.

When deciding to assert yourself or to defer, you might also consider the cultural communication expectations of your audience. Culture influences how people perceive effective communication, and what one culture might consider excellent communication might be actively offensive in another.

Choosing when to assert yourself versus when to defer requires perceptiveness and considerations of long-term strategy, but both are equally valuable for setting the tone in your written communication.

Expressing empathy and gratitude in written communication creates a tone of mutuality and respect. It makes the audience feel appreciated. Generally, this creates a good impression, but it can also make your audience feel more receptive to whatever message you’re trying to communicate. Something as simple as having a salutation, a warmer/more congenial salutation (Good Morning/Afternoon), a courteous opening sentence, or a thank you email after someone has helped you out might position you as someone the recipient enjoys hearing from or working with. 

In short, remember to say “please” and “thank you”; reminding your audience that you are grateful for them goes a long way in setting an effective tone.